The Dark Side of Emotional Intelligence.

Some individuals simply won't be able to recognize our emotions and react to them appropriately. Various medical conditions can be the cause of this.

Neurodegenerative diseases (Alzheimer's or frontotemporal dementia), autism spectrum disorders like Asperger's syndrome or autism can lead to this. The same can occur with various mood disorders, psychoses, different traumatic brain injuries, and strokes.

Probably the most renowned emotion-ignorer, who has caught everyone's eye, is Sheldon Cooper (likely with Asperger's syndrome).

However, some individuals simply won't care about our feelings, and these are psychopaths. They simply don't care and are perfectly fine with being devoid of empathy and any pangs of conscience.

And finally, some individuals will very skillfully manipulate our emotions to achieve their own, more or less selfish, goals. These are Machiavellians. And they think it's cool.

But, interestingly, what they all have in common is high emotional intelligence.

The importance of emotional intelligence in the business world is much discussed and written about today. We too have spoken extensively about the importance of emotional intelligence, especially now in the context of leadership and employee retention.

Today, not paying attention to the “direction” of emotional intelligence in our employees is like giving a child all sorts of antipyretics (paracetamol, NSAIDs, aspirins, and the “eternal” Caffetin as a combination of paracetamol and caffeine) yet leaving them to “fight the fever and kill the bacteria” until they have febrile convulsions.

Simply, it makes no sense.

Emotional Intelligence

Before further analysis, I'll briefly “play” with the BIG5 and emotional intelligence.

The BIG5, BFI, or Big Five model, represents one of the most accepted personality models in psychometrics, composed of five key dimensions:

• Openness to Experience
• Conscientiousness
• Extraversion
• Agreeableness
• Neuroticism (or Emotional Stability)

This model focuses on describing personality characteristics through these dimensions, also known by the acronym OCEAN or CANOE.

On the other hand, modern theories emphasize the role of emotions as a source of useful information in shaping behavior and cognitive activities. These theories highlight a perspective in which emotions serve as guides for adaptive behavior, motivation, and decision-making. Emotional intelligence, increasingly recognized as an important aspect of personality, refers to an individual's ability to recognize, understand, manage, and use their own emotions and the emotions of others in an adaptive way.

When we connect these two concepts, we can see that the BIG5/BFI model, which outlines cognitive and behavioral aspects of personality, can be complemented and expanded by the perspective of emotional intelligence. In other words, although BIG5 provides information about thinking and behavior, emotional intelligence contributes to understanding how an individual uses this emotional information to adapt, motivate, plan, and achieve life goals.

Integrating these perspectives can provide us with a deeper understanding of human personality, considering how we think, act (BIG 5), and how we manage and use our emotional information (emotional intelligence).

In short, emotional intelligence (EI) represents a subset of social intelligence that gives us the ability to recognize our own and others' emotions, distinguish them, and use this information to regulate our thoughts and behaviors (Goleman, 1996).

Numerous scientific studies provide convincing evidence of the importance of EI in various areas of life, including work, personal health, and relationships. Specifically, EI shows positive correlations with job satisfaction, well-being (physical and emotional), levels of social support, and is an indicator of general social adaptability (Sanchez-Alvarez et al., 2016; Cobos-Sanchez et al., 2020).

On the other hand, according to Goleman's theory, there are four attributes that define EI:

• Self-awareness: the ability to recognize one's own emotions and their impact on others
• Self-management: the ability to regulate emotions and impulsive reactions and adapt to different circumstances
• Social awareness: the ability to understand and empathize with the emotions of others
• Relationship management: a set of social skills that include positive influence, teamwork, clear communication, and conflict resolution.

Mentioned social intelligence encompasses a broader understanding and effective behavior in a social context, while emotional intelligence specifically focuses on recognizing, understanding, and managing emotions, both one's own and others'.

However, where's the problem then?

The problem lies in the fact that we only mention emotional intelligence as an expected and desired trait in ourselves, but the very same emotional intelligence, besides its good side, can also have its dark side.

How Important is Emotional Intelligence to Us?

In an interview, Goleman shared a story about a high school reunion where it was revealed that the most successful person in the group was not the smartest or most hardworking boy in school, but the kindest one who knew how to make everyone feel relaxed and comfortable in his company. (Of course, stories can now develop about what the main predictor of success is, EI (EQ) or IQ, but I would just say that some people are very intelligent, but in some ways, not very useful.)

We've probably noticed ourselves that in our business environment, it wasn't always the best employees who received an award, but those with the best people skills. And we ourselves have seen that a good number of employees, who compensated for a milder cognitive deficit with a strong set of people skills, are far more successful employees or leaders.

Many studies support this, completely unscientific, observation of mine. For example, a 40-year longitudinal study of 450 boys showed that IQ has little to do with life success. The most significant predictors were the ability to cope with frustration, control emotions, and get along with other people. Another study followed 80 scientists for 40 years and found that social and emotional abilities were four times more important than intelligence quotient in determining professional success and prestige. And finally, a 2011 survey of 2600 recruiters showed that 71% valued EQ more than IQ.

And how do we behave, and do we believe we can read people?

Where Does It All Begin, Or How to Make a Child Happy?

Emotional intelligence represents a crucial component of emotional development in children, encompassing the ability to recognize, understand, and manage one's own emotions, and to react appropriately to the emotions of others. Psychologists often use the term emotional quotient (EQ) to measure this ability, emphasizing the importance of balance and an adequate response to various emotional situations.

Children with high EQ often display an even temperament, a realistic view of their own capabilities, and age-appropriate problem-solving skills. As they develop, these children become capable of confronting unpleasant emotions, either independently or with support, and maintaining harmonious relationships with others. It is crucial for parents to play an active role in shaping these skills, starting from childhood.

Humans are experiential and environmental beings, and thus parental influence on children's emotional development begins in the early stages, where prompt and appropriate reactions to a child's needs help establish a sense of security and trust in the world around them. It is important to emphasize that ignoring or dismissing negative emotions is not advisable. Instead, parents should empathize, accept, and encourage the child to express their feelings.

Open communication about emotions from an early age plays a key role in developing emotional intelligence. Children who are encouraged to verbalize their feelings develop better emotional regulation, and parents play an important role in setting an example, listening, and helping children express themselves.

Additionally, requiring a child to put some effort into fulfilling various obligations or tasks, along with recognizing and rewarding that effort, instead of focusing on specific traits, helps build self-esteem.

Parents who provide love, support, and recognize and encourage a child's talents (rather than just rewarding them) lay the foundation for the child's positive self-actualization. At the same time, consistent and reasonable discipline, applied with empathy, teaches children responsibility and cooperation. And ultimately, it leaves less room for the development of the dark side of emotional intelligence.

Ultimately, strong emotional intelligence in children is associated with an inner sense of happiness, resilience to stress, and positive outlook on challenges. Parents play a key role in shaping these characteristics, fostering self-esteem, developing social skills, and empowering children to successfully manage their emotional world.

And before I continue, why is conversation generally important?

When we talk, we actively use verbal skills and engage the brain in a way that helps us better understand information. Speaking will stimulate deeper thought processes and help us articulate our thoughts more clearly. Conversation activates two areas in the brain, Broca's and Wernicke's. The activation of these two areas promotes cognitive processing of information and helps us better understand what we are saying. Speech can also stimulate additional processes such as planning expressions and organizing thoughts, which contributes to deeper understanding. This integration between the linguistic and cognitive parts of the brain contributes to better mental processing of information during verbal communication. That's why, if we have no choice, it's good to talk to ourselves. But when no one sees us :)

The Dark Side of Emotional Intelligence

When EI “works” as Goleman intended, we have before us a wonderful and self-actualized person who will use their emotional intelligence for the benefit of themselves, their colleagues, and friends. In such situations, awareness of one's own emotions and the emotions of others is used to achieve goals from which everyone will benefit and ultimately feel satisfied.

I often say that although conditioning people is not necessarily a good thing, it ultimately makes the world a better place to live, which is why we don't shoot passersby just because we'd feel better that way :) This is where problems arise because some individuals can “escape” conditioning, and emotional intelligence is morally neutral; in other words, it is nowhere defined how it can or should be used. Thus, we can use it for the benefit of all, but we can also use it for our own benefit, to the detriment of others.

And that's why, in an extremely negative mode of operation and use of emotional intelligence, we can see elements of pure and unadulterated Machiavellianism. Why? Because emotional intelligence gives us boundless opportunities to manipulate others in achieving our evil goals. If this sounds strange written this way, think about how much power understanding the feelings of others actually gives you.

And that's why an individual who will use their emotional intelligence in a negative sense is a marvelous example of a Machiavellian. It's especially important to emphasize here that Machiavellianism comes as part of the psychological concept of the dark triad, alongside psychopathy and narcissism.

Although I've covered psychopathy in a particularly painful way, it's not amiss to point this out as well:

Although psychopathy, Machiavellianism, and narcissism are often mentioned together as integral parts of the “dark triad” of personality, it's important to understand that these are distinct dimensions of personality, even though they can sometimes overlap. Each represents specific characteristics and behavioral patterns.

Psychopathy is a personality trait that includes a lack of empathy, guilt, impulsivity, and often manipulative behavior. Individuals with a high degree of psychopathy may show a lack of guilt or compassion towards others.

Machiavellianism refers to the tendency to manipulate and think strategically to achieve one's own goals, often at the expense of others. Individuals with pronounced Machiavellian traits are often prone to a tactical approach and tend to manipulate to further their interests.

Narcissism is focused on excessive self-esteem, a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy towards others.

All these traits can appear individually or in combination, creating a complex picture of an individual.

Here, the principle of “collecting Pokémon” applies; the more traits an individual collects, the more interesting they become, and environmentally, the more dangerous :)

And so I will repeat the words from the beginning:

• Sheldon simply doesn't know what you feel.
• The psychopath doesn't care what you feel, and
• The Machiavellian uses their emotional intelligence to manipulate your EI, or feelings, for their evil goals.

Emotional Manipulation

The extent to which emotional manipulation can be powerful is discussed in Adam Grant's article, “The Dark Side of Emotional Intelligence,” published in Better Business Focus in May 2014, which gives two historical figures as examples. Both of these historical figures are wonderful examples of both sides of EI, and it will be very, very strange to place them on the same coordinate axis, but keep in mind that they are on different sides of zero. One is largely in the negative, and the other largely in the positive. These are Martin Luther King and the unrealized painter and criminal, Adolf Hitler. Namely, both used emotional intelligence in their speeches in a way that strongly managed the emotions of those who listened to them.

Grant mentions research showing that people who develop emotional skills can better manipulate others, hiding their true feelings and encouraging them to act against their interests. The article also points to research suggesting that emotional intelligence can be a weapon for manipulation when combined with selfish motives.

Yes, emotional intelligence can be developed, emotional intelligence can be “learned.” However, it is important to know when emotional intelligence is truly beneficial and when it can have negative consequences. The hidden and disguised cost of using emotional intelligence can be extremely high, on both sides of zero.

And that's why we need to reflect on the moral values that accompany the development and application of emotional intelligence, both in society and in the workplace. Just like artificial intelligence :)

Further research has examined the link between emotional intelligence (EI) and the dark triad. These personality aspects share similar characteristics such as a lack of empathy, a need for attention, an attraction to power, and deceitful and callous manipulation. Individuals who score high on these traits appear to be skilled at manipulating others through strategies like criticism and feigned affection. Also, impulsive but controlled attacks are a good way for them to defend their views, accompanied by an extreme externalization of blame onto the opposing side. The line between irrationality, externalization, and projection often blurs for them, and although it may seem stochastic to an observer, it is very well planned and controlled – precisely because they use EI and sense when to stop and choose a different tactic. In a study conducted at the University of Toronto, employees with Machiavellian tendencies and high emotional intelligence often displayed harmful behavior toward colleagues, including humiliating and shaming for their own gain. Psychopathy, on the other hand, is associated with the application of harsh tactics in the workplace, including threats of punishment and manipulation. Meanwhile, highly narcissistic individuals often rely on more charming tactics, such as promising rewards and building positive relationships with colleagues to later exploit them for their own benefit.

Empathy

Since emotional intelligence (EI) partly encompasses empathy but is also a separate concept, it is assumed that individuals with high EI but low empathy are more likely to engage in antisocial and manipulative behavior. A lack of empathy will lead to the “misuse” of emotional intelligence, resulting in aggressive rather than socially agreeable behavior. This is particularly pronounced in individuals with high EI who show persistence in achieving goals, sensitivity to rewards, and impulsivity, where both social and aggressive behaviors are used strategically to gain control over resources and advance in social settings (Bacon, Corr, and Satchell, 2018).

What Does It All Look Like?

People with manipulative tendencies often mask their true intentions behind friendly and charismatic behavior, using social interactions for their own benefit, presenting them as beneficial to others. Recognizing the signs of their controlling behavior is key to avoiding becoming their target. Typical signs include inconsistent behavior, charisma used to manipulate others' ideas and opinions, exploitation of guilt, excessive sharing of information to gain trust, and reliance on reciprocity. You should also pay attention to your feelings when communicating with them, including suspicion of sincerity, fear of exaggeration of facts, anger at imposed opinions, and a sense of helplessness due to feeling trapped in a relationship with a manipulator.

In Conclusion

Emotional intelligence, crucial in understanding and managing one's own emotions and the emotions of others, represents a powerful tool that can shape and improve people's lives. However, we must view it from two sides. On the positive side, high emotional intelligence is associated with success in many areas of life, including work, personal health, and relationships.

But the dark side of emotional intelligence points to the potential misuse of this powerful tool. Individuals with high emotional intelligence but low empathy can use their manipulative skills to achieve their own goals at the expense of others. The Machiavellian use of emotional intelligence can result in aggressive behavior, while psychopathy and narcissism can be recognized as parts of the “dark triad” of personality.

“Learn to distinguish Sheldon's world from people who could emotionally fleece you. Because in a world where words are weapons and empathy is a shield, the battle for emotional balance can be challenging” (ChatGPT, 2024 :)).